For Day 14, everyone in my house was out of town so I spent time with myself.
Why Was It Uncomfortable?
I enjoy my alone time, so the discomfort wasn’t from loneliness. It was about choosing to be alone.
It was Saturday, so some friends asked to hang out. Even though I had nothing on my schedule, I did have an obligation to myself to be alone. It feels weird to say no to someone because you have plans with yourself.
Pressure To Justify My Time
When I say I’m busy, the response I get is, “With what?” Then I’m expected to prove I’m busy. I have to prove that what I plan on doing is more important than what this person wants to do with me.
But this person can’t be the judge of how I spend my time, because they’re not me. They don’t know what’s most important to me.
What if I’m busy tonight clipping my toenails? Or I want to stare at the wall? That may be very important to me. Do I have to explain my value system and why staring at the wall is more important than going with you to yoga? “I’m busy,” should be enough. I get first dibs of my time.
But are people really asking me if I’m busy because they want to judge me? Or am I imagining it because I’m insecure? Probably a bit of both but mostly the latter.
So, in making definitive plans to be alone, I’m testing my insecurity. I’m proving to myself that I have full control of my time. I can’t control others’ judgements. And they’re probably not judging me. But I can get over my insecurity.
How I Spent The Day
Besides coding and working until 2pm, here’ how I spent the day:
- Lying on the ground in my backyard
- Talking to myself
- Lying on my front steps
- Ravenously picking berries off the tree on my front lawn
- Going to the playground
- Finding and taking in a baby bird
For the most part I stayed off the internet and media too.
Sometimes I felt self conscious being alone and doing what I wanted to do.
I wanted to lie out in the front of my house. But I wondered, what would people think seeing me sprawled out on my front steps staring at the sky for an hour?
Then I had a revelation; at worst, they’ll think I’m crazy. And if they think I’m crazy because they think laying on the ground is crazy, then there’s no way around it- I am crazy. After all, that’s what I’ll be doing.
So it’s fine if they think I’m crazy! By their definition, that just means I’m lying on the ground. And that’s true.
After accepting that people may think I’m crazy, my self-consciousness dissipated. I lay on the steps. It almost felt like I was daring the passers-by, “Go ahead, think I’m crazy.”
What I Learned
- I can be more assertive about my time.
- Don’t just accept that people may judge you, embrace it!
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